This ship is quickly spiraling out of control and the leader we need to steer it back on course has gone below decks for a sandwich. It sounds like our nation but in this case I’m afraid it is me rather that has run off course.
My addiction to information has put me into a precarious place of a tyrannical fact bully and I’m losing sight of the bigger picture. This isn’t just because of the world outside but also because of things I am dealing with internally and I’m quickly losing ground. If I don’t do something soon to fix some issues, I’m going to lose everyone and my mind along with it.
One issue I am dealing with I’m not going to elaborate on but some of you already know the details of it. When the meetings are finished and the decision has been made then I will let everyone else know but at this time I see that I’m getting stressed out unconsciously from it all. Although I don’t feel any real stress, I can see the signs that I am fighting an internal battle to suppress my instincts to share and that is eating me up.
Also, the timing is not really the best because the end of next week will be the 5th anniversary of losing Angela. I always start becoming a wreck leading up to this time and I find myself breaking down more often as I deal with more memories flowing through my mind. There is so much pain there that wells up from deep within and I have to keep some of it at bay to function at work but every now and then, some of it leaks out just shy of public view.
I have a project I am working on that I am trying to limit the amount of details I can divulge on its progress. There are testing and documentation needs with which I am trying to work out a solution for a current problem in this world and once again I am forced to keep the details to myself otherwise I may lose out on the benefits it could provide. Yet again, this runs against my nature to share my ideas and thoughts so once again this adds to my stress.
The stress, the information overload, the feelings about subjects I’m passionate about, conflicts with the world and people I know, these are all crashing down around me and its all my fault. I really need to let go of some of these addictions and bring myself back around but I’m afraid that it means I’m also going to need to shut off my connections to those around me to do it.
One friend of mine refers to me as a type of Hermit and I think it is time to regress more into that life. I won’t be studying the religious aspect of that life but I think I can concentrate more on my needs and my ideas by not being so connected to the world and everyone in it. I will still be online and I will still write letters but I’m going to just try and stop being what I have become recently. If someone really wants to get in touch with me, they should know by now how to do that.
So what does this mean really? Well, I’m breaking down the communication links that connect my social media programs together. You won’t see the things that I like in other outlets and you won’t find what I have been watching on YouTube. I’m going to selectively link things into Facebook as needed when the time is right. I’m also going to start dropping people from Facebook as well but please note that it has nothing to do with ending friendships with people, I just want to get away from the way it causes problems. Like I said, if you want to find out what I’m doing then you should know how to get a hold of me.
What now? Well, we will just have to see. Like a diet, I’m going to cheat now and then and we will see if I can stick with it or not. I hope that it will help me build my creativity and let me focus more on projects that I want to do. However, the only really bad thing is that I’m accepting that I’m just going to go the rest of the way on my own with minimum contact with everyone else.
It will just be me and the cats I guess.