I get myself so stressed out by things that I am experiencing that I have to let them out in some manner to clear my head. This is something I have brought up more than once and the process I go by doing this is a lot like jumping off a cliff. I say this as such because although I know I need to do this, I really want to do nothing at all and so I fall back into the cycle of knowing I should do it but I don’t really want to commit. Then there is that landing issue once I’ve finally made the leap. I want the experience to last and last but at some point it comes to a stop and I have to go back to the rest of life.
Part of the stress is coming from a strained relationship with a family member and another from a close friend of mine. This with some financial and health issues I am dealing with behind the scenes, my level of composure has not been the best as I would like it to be. Granted, I can handle quite a bit of stress because I can manage it better than some but the whole of it is just not something I wish to be dealing with right now.
So I have been soaking up as much work time as possible just to keep my mind off of it all. The less I have to actually think about the problems in my personal life, the better I can manage the inevitable crisis. It’s one of those things where I have been thinking about faking my birth and seeing if anyone would really notice, although a brand new 43 year old baby boy might bring about some unwanted attention.
Some of this is clearly my fault and some of it isn’t but for the stuff that isn’t, I really have no recourse to fix any of it. My nature and system of handling life and the stress that comes with it does not function in a way that allows me to fix the stuff that is out of my control. Moreover, I’m at a loss on what to do with the stuff that may have been part of my poor decision making because as it stands at this juncture, I have very few people that I am able to bounce the predicaments off of and get helpful results. Because of this, I have started to regress from the society that I have been interacting with online and going back to more of a solitary existence with minimal social interaction.
Part of this change has come out of my reluctance to explain myself anymore. I have had the gut reaction to explain my thoughts and actions because people tend to have no clue what I am talking about. There are people that do not understand my thought processes and therefore need a little more information in order to put the pieces of the puzzle together but in my process, I have already given all of the pieces but now they want me to give them the answer as well because they are unable to put them together in their mind as well as I can. I say, let them struggle with it unless it is going to negatively affect me.
The one thing that lingers with me is that I am still recovering from the loss of my best friend of all time. I spent close to 18 years straight with Angela and there is a lot that was invested in that relationship and because of that, I have many issues that are unresolved. Some of those issues are hidden from me and others are glaring but all of them are a part of me now and it has shaped how I deal with the world.
Outside of my world are those that are perpetuating the ideals that the only way to make the world better is by running it with an iron fist of money and power. The people that have control of the government in at least the superpower countries have clearly made it known that the only way to really keep people safe is to keep them scared. The constant fear mongering about crime, war, and political unrest has just got to stop because it doesn’t help society in the least. Creating mistrust in order to control people only sets us all back and keeps the world from developing and innovating. The news is always so depressing that I’m slowly working through the effort of shutting it all off.
My need to be an information junkie is too hard to deal with when the news is full of the needless garbage that the supposed “leaders” have spewed upon the masses. In the last 500+ years, the same shtick has been used to control people by using fear and misinformation and this latest administration is no different. For or against I can no longer handle all of the fighting because no one has any good solutions and the people that could really do something positive have none of the power that it takes to really fix the system. I’m weaning myself away from it so that when the bright flash of a nuclear weapon appears on the horizon, I can be just a little less stressed about what I was experiencing just beforehand.
At least we have some choices to live our lives a little more openly than in other countries but I say that with the knowledge that the United States was built through the exploitation of many other cultures and religions and despite our grand presence on the planet, we continue to do so to this day. You have the opportunities available to you depending on which side of the boot you are on.
In some ways I guess at this point I have been beaten and I submit. I still won’t conform but I will keep my head down and shut up. Maybe some day I will come back to the world that everyone else lives in and see what it has to offer but for now I’m just going to follow this path and see where it leads me. There is nothing more and I fall blissfully off the cliff into the unknown.