The Me Variable

I haven’t written anything in a while because of one thing or another but there has been constant inner dialogue about what I should be saying. Some of my thoughts have been about the people I have lost and others have been about the day to day activities with a few scattered thoughts about new ideas I have wanted to explore.

Right now I’m recovering from a cold that has been keeping me mostly in bed or doing less active activities while my body goes through the motions of attacking the invader and flushing the dead from the system. Mostly I’m drinking fluids and eating pain pills to deal with the coughing I have to do to get this cleared up. I’ve been sick enough to know that despite all of the annoyances there is with coughing, it has a good purpose besides spreading the contagion around for others.

In a related type of pain, someone noted that they didn’t realize that I was still so affected by losing Angela. It’s been four years now since I lost her and after spending nearly fifteen years together and due to the way I found her I really don’t expect myself to fully get over it. I have PTSD from the whole experience and certain thoughts and ideas will still take me down into that pain where I found her so that is something I contend with every single day by being aware of those triggers and adjusting to make sure I don’t fall into that well of pain. Plus, on top of that, a big portion of the things that I own were either hers or given as presents to me so again I am fully aware of my position but I know how to deal with it and I don’t let it take me over. I get a couple days every year to be super mindful but most of the time I’m a functioning individual and it doesn’t prevent me from living my life.

I have two primary views about life that I look at every day and they are what determines how much I need to be social or retreat into my introvert cave and hide away.

The first view is that the universe is going to destroy everyone and everything around me the longer I go on, with the eventual snuffing of my own flame. It is my grand view that life exists in a certain way and despite the little ups and downs of the human civilization, we are less that a thought in the universe. All of us are going to come and go just as everyone before has come and gone. The planet was born from dust and fire and will die in dust and fire, taking all of the successes we have created and wiping them out completely. The only relics of our existence will be the probes that are still flying out past the solar system until they too encounter something that destroys them. It is all just so big an ominous that there is no reason to be worried about the strife we experience here.

The second view is that while we are here, try to find the thing that makes you happy and roll with it. Try to accumulate the resources you can to get you to that next stepping stone and see what you can do with it. You will still experience pain, loss, fear, and many other things that make life appear to be hopeless but the way to escape that is to find that happiness. It’s not going to be easy and it might make some other people angry or confused but it is that special thing for you that is going to make this life important to you.

In my case I see where my universe is trying to collapse upon me and I take steps to adjust and work around those problems. Sometimes I have to take some less-than-honest approaches to this survival but it works. With all of the pain and hurt I have discovered a ton of things about myself and the world around me. I see my problems and my faults then use some creativity to keep them from tearing me down and work towards that perceived happiness. As I have said before like many others, I am my own worst enemy. And yet, I am able to come up with some really neat ideas for others and myself and that inspiration keeps me going and looking for that next stepping stone.

Right now I’m working on rebuilding some of my finances so I can pay off some more debts but I’m not letting the debts control my life. I have the ability to forego certain bills without having to worry about the negative consequences of financial ruin. This way I can still take care of my monthly bills, make car repairs, work on the house, and treat myself and others from time to time without worrying about making it to the next paycheck. Mind you, my methods are not for everyone and I don’t think I will be writing a book about it to sell on TV. Money is always one of those things that is nice to have but also it can be the ruin of someone that gets in over their head with it.

Just like finances, material objects have a way of overwhelming a person and that is the other thing that has been eating away at my life over the years. So every day I take more and more steps to try and clear away more of the things that I own and get them to people that can be burdened with them instead. My plight is that I hate just throwing stuff away and want to resell or recycle as much as I can so sometimes the process of cleaning up can be daunting. Not a hoarder mind you but I know I need to clean up more. The bigger problem is that I have inherited things from people over the years and those items carry with them a lot of emotional memories and those then are the hardest for me to let go of.

A little bit of pain and the world coming apart mixed with a little bit of finding happiness in things and this is my life. And as I type this I can feel my mind start to grind to a halt. I’ve dumped as much as I can think of, as broken as it appears to be. Maybe a little more strangeness on another date.

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