I am trying to break down my time into usable sections where I can allocate some constructive processes. The online distractions of the reports of the narcissistic orange snowflake spreading a goal of fascism, digital solitary games with never ending stories and pointless rewards, cold and unforgiving floors underfoot, and the occasional feline interaction are keeping me from getting any other real work done.
My reality depends on information overloading to just keep me from losing track of how much my insanity is just a small fraction of the world and where I see pain and misery, it is nothing more than a slice of the life that everyone has a part of. We are creatures born of a small planet hurtling through a limitless expanse wondering if there is anything else out there and yet we cannot grasp that all that we are is right here. As a species we are the cancer that infects the planet as we try to benefit ourselves rather than this precious place and then I return back into my room and look at the mess on the floor and think, when do I have time to clean any of this up. I’m just too cold right now. I need to cuddle up in bed.
As the fat and greases of foods gone by slowly burns in the cells of my strange and constantly exploring mind I cannot get over how the changes in my body make my clothes less useful. I need new clothes to compensate not for my gains in mass but my losses in mass and yet it feels strange to have to get tighter clothes as I enjoy the loose flutter of cloth in the breeze. Dreams of custom clothes that flow with me would be my mark of design for all to see and their shape being something like those in kung-fu but also an illuminated robe like that in Tron Legacy. I want feathers like Azriel in Diablo 3 and blue throughout. Maybe as I transcend from youth to elder I can pull this ideas into a formal ensemble and walk the woods in peace.
I need to let go of the things that perpetuate a constant flow of stress and get back to the simpler view and just let the happiness flow into my mind and the energy which some would relate to as a soul. There isn’t any need for me to worry about how the current climate is going to affect me as right now I just don’t have any control over the bigger elements propelling the issues of mad men with dreams of having the most toys. I need to escape into my world and forget that there are people willing to sacrifice me for their own pointless goals because the fear that I have will only make my spirit needlessly latch onto this world when I have transcended into a higher plane.
Possible outlets of my creativity aside from this virtual construction of a diary in the binary landscape of infinite libraries and constantly changing information include working on the metal creatures resting outside my door, cleaning the wasteland of my living space, but also I have started on a small project for a friend of mine to once again attach my offset view into his collections. I’m not sure why I do it exactly but I feel that he has just enough perspective into how my mind functions that he can inspire me to create things that I know he will enjoy. Or maybe I see into his world just enough that these ideas are acceptable for his worldly connections.
My neighbor wants to take away my space as a sort of trade so they can build another garage but the irony is that they have a monster huge yard and their solution to add another building is to take more land. The idea of buying anything rubs me a little bit because I understand a culture that was based upon a different method of living and trading and that is especially so when it comes to the ground that we walk on. Homo Sapiens came up with this idea of buying and selling the ground and if you think of it, the very stuff that is everywhere really doesn’t cost anything, it is just the access you give others to be on it that the money issue comes into play. But with the neighbors, I’m not going for it. Too many future issues, I enjoy my space and having them closer to me is unnerving. Anything closer is unnerving.
The inclusion of work on a constant schedule is allowing me to pull out of a dark recess that I have had to reside in for many years. Now I’m finding ways to buy things that I need and pay off old lingering debts in an effort to maybe one day get beyond the red and into the green of a new life. Then other projects will become easier and the world will seem less terrible on some fronts while I look past my own problems and see that it isn’t all that bad. The next step is to push more into investments that I can reap in my frail years because if anything I have experienced so far is a telling story, I’m going to need a lot of extra cash to get through the years of retirement.
I’m just trying to basically dump the junk swirling around in my brain and giving myself some kind of reset. There are tasks up ahead that I need to have less angst and more clarity but I’m sure more darkness will fill back into the void of which I call home eternal. Eventually I will have to do this again but in the meantime the world shall go dark and I shall sleep on the the river within my nightmares.