My Darkest Blue


I have five cats in the house. They are here because I felt sorry for one cat and she ended up having kittens in the house but now, after giving some of them away, the remainders have grown and from them I have learned how much I truly hate having cats in the house. So today, I’m just letting go of them and trying to say ‘fuck it’ with how I feel. I have opened the doors to the house and just let the cats go as they please. If they are all gone then so be it since that is where they would be to begin with if I had not intervened and let their mother into the house. I’m just tired of the stress of dealing with them.

Tuesday will be my 3 year anniversary of losing Angela. Every year around this time I get get more and more stressed out from the memory of it all and nothing gets me through it other than just getting through the last couple of weeks in the month of March. I think of her every single day and even though the pain from this has mellowed over time, the pain never really completely goes away.

So, these last couple of weeks I have been trying to keep myself together as I feel the sadness creep in on my thoughts and pull at me while I’m driving home at night. I see her pictures and watch her videos not to remember what she looks like or to hear her voice but to just force the emotions out so I can cry. It is only then that I can feel better as the pain releases from my mind and brings me back to some level of everyday normalcy.

Additionally I am working on managing the affairs of a close friend of mine while they go through their own emotional trial. It is hard enough to deal with my own life but to suddenly take on the care and responsibilities of another has been difficult to say the least. However, this is all within my realm of management ability and despite how daunting it appears to others I know that I can get though it. How I will be afterwards though may be a completely different matter and I know there will need to be some compensation to make up for the added stress involved.

Then I wonder with the cats, the friends, and my day to day stresses how much can I really handle? It appears that I can manage quite a bit and I attribute that to just flat out giving up on irregular intervals.

What I mean by this is that I let all of it get to me and I take everything and declare that I no longer can handle it all and lose myself in another good cry. I let go of the stress, the pain, the anguish, and the stupidity of everything and flush it away with my tears. Then, shortly afterwards, I collect the remainder of myself and go back to life to tackle the trials that it puts in front of me. The same way I deal with losing my friend is the same way I deal with the overwhelming pile of crap I have to deal with every day.

Another thing that helps is writing stuff down. Whether it be in a journal offline or a blog online or Facebook or Twitter, the act of writing down my thoughts gives me a little space in my brain to stand back and re-examine the point of time that I am in. It all remains connected in some way but may look like a puzzle scattered on a pile of rocks. To me it makes some kind of sense and the more I look at it the puzzle become less of a map and more of a sculpture.

But what keeps me from completely falling apart is a Dark Blue within the deepest reaches of my mind. It is like an ocean of thoughts and memories and experiences that are all sloshing around together, meshing and mixing, creating new ideas and developing a better understanding that I am more aware than most other people and more intelligent in ways that not even I can fully grasp.

I am more aware now of a great many things about myself, my friends, the place I live, the people I work with, and the world outside that as I think about it all the entirety of it all can just add more stress if I am not careful. A lot of it is either amazing or disappointing and those two extremes can be both good and bad together. Generally I see everything all at once in a great collage of thought that washes in and out with details and complexities depending on the time of the day or the people that I interact with.

The things I do right now and the people that I interact with in this life are only fleeting moments in the history of life. A passage of time preceding my existence has created and destroyed many lives and places and that will not stop once it has ended my life. My thoughts and ideas will be washed away by the tide of the population and although the words I put here online will last for a number of years without interaction, the entirety of it all will eventually be wiped clean and never seen again. The little actions that I make to give me a little satisfaction with my life will drop away as I fall from relevancy in my future relatives and become nothing more than a collection of photos and writings kept in someone’s bookshelf or virtual storage file. Even that will eventually be lost when the planet itself is finally burned away by the eventual death of the star that powers this place. The end will just be an uneventful conclusion to the active participation in the experiment of Earth. Pretty dark huh?

Well, please rest assured that despite this dark future, there is a glimmer of light in it that makes it a little exciting. You are going to live on.

Yep, despite your belief or lack of belief in the supernatural existence beyond the boundaries of your mortal existence, you will life on after death just as many ancestors have lived on. Your body may end up in a cold metal box in the ground inside a cold concrete box or you might be burned up and scattered to the wind but eventually all of you will be spread out among the stars and travel great distances for eons until eventually becoming parts of other stars or planets and maybe become a part of another life-form. And that is just the physical material of your body.

The energy that makes you “you” is going to live on, forever. Sorry but that is basic, cold, hard science and no matter what you may think, that is just a solid fact. Energy can neither be created or destroyed and you my friend are made up of a combination of pure energy and matter (which is made from energy).

And it is things like this that I think about on top of my everyday life, the political banter, the threat of foreign nuclear attack, the hapless terrorists, the exploits of companies, and the television induced dramas that people lose themselves in. It’s all very exhausting and pointless.

So when I look at all of this I see that my pain is just a mere blink in the life of the universe so insignificant that it really doesn’t play a role in anything important, but it is important to me. The pain, the worry, the happiness, the future, the past, the spirits, and the love are all part of my life right now and I will experience the best that I can.

As for the cats, none of them would go outside because they are afraid of the snow.

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