The drawback of being very solitary and silent is that a lot of my thoughts never manifest themselves into written text. I used to try and write down my daily life in actual paper journals but like all habits I try to form, it soon became a passing thought.
Recently I looked at where I am at and thought about all the information that I know and the way that I process it and I see how magnificent my mind is and why a number of people are just in awe of some of my skills. But with that introspection, it got me thinking that when I die it will all be gone and all my memories will be like ashes in a forest fire and too complex to rebuild. It was really depressing to think about how all of the qualities that I enjoyed in others that have passed before me are locked away in my mind and I cannot share them. The stories of my life will eventually fade into the background noise of the universe.
Some of my life is kept online and who knows for how long but again I am just a small blip in the digital storm that rages everyday all over the planet and only touching a few close to me and no one else. Whether my thoughts are on paper or in electrons the collection still doesn’t have a place, only a thought of thoughts in someone’s memories.
I can surely say that one reason more of my stuff doesn’t get picked up by more people is because I don’t publicly strike any chords. I don’t unleash my true self online as I am cautious over I how I present myself and right now, the depressing list of journal entries online are about it. I’m just not comfortable going full crazy so half crazy will just have to do for now.
Facebook is another story. On Facebook I let loose a bit more but I have the settings locked down more there so only my friends can see what I’m saying. With my friends I know at least that what I say is understood better by those that know me whereas total strangers might get the wrong idea and that can lead to, complications.
Hopefully some day I will take everything I have written and put it all into one journal. That book can then rest in someone’s personal library of family relics and then eventually end up in a garage sale to be used as a prop in a high school play or something.
And remember, when starting a fire with gasoline, you will always use too much no matter how little you think you used. Stand back and throw matches into it, don’t stand over it. Now to find my glasses …