Lately I find myself on a train riding through the countryside and as I sit in the passenger car staring out the window I wonder about what I am doing. The decisions that give me pause are the ones I worry about the most. This relates to the loss and gains I have experienced in the last two years and how I have tried to find some sense of a clear path but instead I settle for the ride on the rails.
This year I am starting to see what baggage I can let go of and slowly I am having it removed from the train. I fear that I wallow too much on things that I cannot change and yet I know it is therapeutic to be confronting my pain rather than locking it away in some feeble attempt to be a man about this.
Recently I started to really concern myself with a predicament that I am in along with all of the other issues I deal with on a daily basis. This being that at one of the stops along the way, my train looped past a former employer and picked up their company car once again. The only problem with this is that it is the same place Angela worked and I deal with little reminders from being there on top of the ones I see in everyday life. Although I don’t have the extreme episodes of anyone that has been in combat, I deal with PTSD and certain thoughts can get me instantly into that when I last saw Angela alive and then found her lifeless body later that night. Believe me, you don’t want to have to be on this train ride with me.
Despite how terrible this all sounds, I do have others that can help me along. Whenever I stop at one of the stations I try to look up at least one person that can put me at ease depending on what I am dealing with. My recent stop was very helpful in taking the edge off of my worries and bring me back down to a calm which actually worries others. For the most part it requires that I connect with my natural energy and let that energy work through me, pulling out the issues and let them flow, “like a river past a rock”.
There is some tongue-in-cheek about that last little bit. When dealing with anything that requires a Sage’s advice or spiritual connection, some of the information is cryptic to say the least. Still, sometimes there is a little scolding and a hug and in the end I get the message and once again I can deal with the world in my train car again. I carry with me the bits of that experience with me and the grounding gives me something to remember when times get difficult again.
I have been visiting the dining car less that I had been. I gave up completely on the gym and have made it a point to set my maximum calorie intake to 2000. Surprisingly it has been rather an easy task to accomplish. With some experimentation I have figured out what foods I can eat and when to get the maximum benefits. Last night I stopped at the supermarket to get a snack and some supplies and saw that many of the comfort foods that I had been eating were grossly calorie heavy. I felt so ashamed but damn they were good.
Many corners have been turned and most recently we traveled over another small hill on the way to the next mountain peak. I finished my 41st year on this planet and I look back upon all of the rail line I have traveled upon to get here but I also look ahead to see where I am going but time eludes me and only a mist of uncertainty looms there.
Most recently I have been fostering a mother cat and her four kittens. This is not what I wanted as I don’t find cats all that comforting. Pretty much could be much happier without them but as it happens, they are inhabiting my world on this ride. Five more weeks and most of them are getting off this trip and onto someone else’s train to be loved and cuddled and away from me.
Back at the house, the projects are being monitored and when the rain quits for a little while I will be getting some much needed yard work done. This includes scraping the old paint off the house and priming most of the place. Once the place is considerably white, I am going to give it a subtle but patriotic makeover that should be pretty impressive when done. Also going to finish repairs to the backyard fence and get it completely stained as well. Then, who knows, I might get the water connected.
Well, it looks like I should finish up some other tasks and head back to the sleeping car. Hopefully soon I can write something more than a long drawn out update but time will tell.