As of late my days have been rife with constant inner monologue about the world as I see it and the people that I interact with both directly and indirectly. Its something I do quite a bit and while I do so, I worry that all of these thoughts and ideas are just being lost back into the dark void from which they were generated. Someone must want to see something from me other than the quips I post on social media. Someone must take more of an interest in my words more than the quick blurbs of nonsensical passages that Facebook and Twitter afford me. And then again, the only people that really read anything or pay attention to what I write are government entities looking for someone to pick on or groups looking to blame something on.
A lot of what I have been thinking about is how different I see things and the realization that others have a hard time keeping up with my ideas or the way I try to present them. My mind works differently, in a way that leads me in a direction where I have to loop around a few times to get the thoughts in line with the common person out there. Not to demean anyone but society has a general populace that conforms to a certain set of common thoughts and practices that don’t align with my learning and interactions methods. Some say that I’m just really smart but I just look at it as an ability to see more of the picture.
For instance, today I wanted to treat myself by getting away and doing something different. I went down to the local casino and experienced a little gambling and although all I did was play slots, the whole time I couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid the whole thing was that people were trying to win on these things by using some made up strategy. I would hit the buttons to play my credits and the lights would flash and the reels would spin but there is no “control” of it all, no timing, no waiting tricks. I know that there is a circuit in there that has a random number generator with a program which randomizes every time you hit that play button. There is a a key code that allows for a certain percentage of payouts and that trying to subterfuge any of it is pointless and yet people try.
I would get up to watch people play cards and think that it was just a faster way to lose money. Then I went out and watched people drops dollars even faster in high stakes slot machines and I would look at the crowd of old people, Asians, Natives, and the occasional couple continuously stare at the games while they pushed buttons to make something happen and I had to leave. I went to Menards and got stuff I needed for the same money and it felt much more gratifying.
There is more satisfaction in sitting on the couch with a friend watching a movie than there is sitting on some noisy gaming floor with no one you know. And that is just one moment in my life that I think about throughout the day.
Now that I am back in my house, relaxing on the bed with a video game and a couple of cats I got to thinking once again about my lack of writing my thoughts down. And again I think about my thinking.
At one point I thought all of this was actually a problem and I went and sought psychological help for the way I was going about dealing with the world. The funny thing is that I impressed the guy on the very first day and after a few weeks we came to the understanding that I was doing everything just fine. I am handling life just fine and in fact a lot better than many other people in the same situation.
So where does that leave me. In this case I am in the same space that I started in and that’s just fine. I learn something new each day and the people that love me tell me how much they think of me and care about me and enjoy what they hear from me. I try to reciprocate that love however I can and it keeps me going on to the next day.
What will happen is that I’m going to try and drop more thoughts out here and even if they are as convoluted as this posting, I feel that I am saying more than I do in my quick little online blips.