Past Lives of a Blue Man

Recently, one of my close friends asked when I was going to let Angela go and move on with my life. It sounds like a reasonable request and despite that it being so, there isn’t a way for me to just drop everything and go out and be someone that I am not. It has been a long process of recovery and I will continue to grow from it and remember her fondly.

There have been a lot of changes in my life and change will always be there to show me a different way of dealing with things. Some changes are going to be easy and others will be hard but just because one process works best for my friend, as he has lost a close friend as well, it won’t be one that works for me.

It does give me some insight on my past and future from which I can draw out a method of getting where I want to go. I have always put others first and that is part of my wanting to help out without worrying about what I will get in return. However, this has led me to live with less than I have wanted and I can see the terminal behavior I was stuck in.

When I decided to give up on working for others and run my business full time, I was trying to deal with the emotions of my loss and there was no room for the stresses of dealing with coworkers and bosses. Being on my own gave me freedoms that allowed me to heal and slowly regain parts of my sanity. The only flaw in my plan was that I was working on the assumption that I could make enough to live on and pay my regular expenses with the company and my home. When slow months hit, they were crippling.

So one day I could see the future of losing everything and put together a special resume that only highlighted my technical skills and dropped it online. After some automated messages that were only looking for people that were “alive” and a couple calls from a company that wanted me to sacrifice myself for them, something good came along. This good thing was a short term project to move systems for another company and the pay was good.

Now, good is all relative because what was good for me wasn’t exactly good for some of my customers. I was going to make more money and keep the important bills paid yet I would only have extra time in the evenings and on weekends to run my company. And in practice, it has become somewhat doable. I can usually run with both things but some nights when I get home I am so tired that I just go lay down and sleep and I don’t want anyone to call me with their problems.

As it stands now, this temporary change is about to become something more and although I won’t completely give up on my company, it will really be just in those fine areas of time for an indefinite amount of time. It’s different because I’m looking at my needs more or less first and I need to keep up with that. I need the money to get things that I want and to pay off the companies that I owe.

The irony in all of this is that I am back to where she worked and seeing people that we used to work with. Some of it has been hard as there are reminders from the smallest of instances and they have taken great strides in my recovery to hold myself together and not break down in front of the masses. I am once again in the place where I enjoyed spending time with her and she isn’t there. The whole thing is great and depressing all at the same time.

But I digress.

I really need to look at the things I need and the goals that I have before I too exit this world (again?). Big things include getting the windows replaced in the house, install the heating unit, and paint the place. I want to get the pickup running so I can tear it down to put on the new body. And, I want to do some travelling to see places for myself and to experience things that I haven’t been able to do on my own.

Of course I am impatient and will whine because it isn’t happening quickly enough. I’ll write and people will read and in their silent responses I will nod and continue on.

It’s part of my healing and part of my learning as well.

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