Finding Directions


This year I have been working on accepting the reality that I exist within. The things that have changed in my daily routine have been so severe that it is hard to find a good place to feel comfortable. I have expected more from myself than I can provide, more from the things that I own than they can offer, and more from life than what is available. And yet, I tell others to see things as they are and accept that this reality is solidified by the facts of information sitting right in front of them while I turn a blind eye towards it.

For so long I have wanted a new small car to run around in but never realizing that the car that I own is pretty darn good. It has the normal problems that cars will have as they age and there will be times where the money needed to keep it going will be higher that what I can provide but overall it is still better than nothing at all. Plus, I own the beast outright and I don’t have to worry about a car payment and why would I want to add that onto my list of burdens? I just accept it now and once in a while I still look at the new models and dream but dreaming doesn’t cost anything.

I have a hard time dealing with the stuff that I own and how the items hold memories that I find so hard to let go of. I have a ton of things in my house that I am trying to get rid of in an effort to streamline and to just not to burden someone else should something happen to me. There have been small victories in that I have been clearing out a lot of the technology parts that have languished in boxes for years. There is still more to sort through and then there is the non-technical items that must go as well.

Having a small house really pushes the idea to simplify my total item ownership. It would be a little easier if I didn’t have a bunch of stuff from my Aunt Sharon that passed away or all of Angela’s things but I see value in stuff that maybe I should just let go of. The Transformers, Gi-Joe, Star Wars, Hot Wheels, and miscellaneous toys all need to be sold but that is only a minor portion of what I have here. Getting past those long held memories of interactions in the past are roadblocks on my way to being completely free. I feel as if I am burying myself in physical objects to feel safe and yet there is nothing that is going to protect me from myself.

Right at the moment I don’t know what I am typing even really makes any sense. I have a hard time keeping my thoughts in line lately and I tend to wander around on the subjects in my thoughts. I know people that do it faster, while talking to them, and I get so lost so I feel bad if this is making you wonder what is going on.

Let’s go here …

I went to a Neurologist on Monday and she looked at the information surrounding my strange dizzy spells that I have had for the last eight years or more. From the symptoms and the examination she thinks that I am dealing with Opthalmic Migraines triggered by a food item or items. So, for the next four months I have to pay more attention to what I eat and when these dizzy spells occur to see what might be causing them. I also got some medication so that if the dizziness happens with a visual aura, which has happened, then I can at least take something to make it go away. Since this, I have been noticing the slightest tinges of dizzy spells happening after eating some meals but not enough to affect my daily routines. It might come to pass where I can lose weight faster by not eating certain foods altogether but if it is found that chocolate is the culprit, I’m going to need a special day to just eat it and trip out in my room where I can’t hurt anyone. No one takes away my chocolate.

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