It is quickly coming up upon a year since my life went into a tailspin and dropped through waves of utter chaos and pain. The ripples from that experience are slowly bouncing back and reverberating on my mind and the experience of that night will surely collide when the anniversary strikes. I’m not looking forward to it and yet I am. It’s like being sick and not wanting to throw up but after you have blasted out all of that gunk and bile, you feel so much better and I so dearly want to feel a little better.

One of the things that has helped me get along in this new life is not working for another company. I tried so very hard to keep busy and not think about the pain and memories by plugging away at WOW!, formerly Knology. It was really hard to deal with my emotions and also the boiling pot of random customers venting about their issues as well. I cried a lot at work. I tried very hard to keep up a positive attitude. But after three months I could no longer contain the pain and I popped.

Everyone was pretty good about the situation but I feel bad for making some people mad for what I did. Essentially someone called in to complain about their service and I misunderstood her explanation and she got mad with me. I couldn’t handle it and I told her I couldn’t handle it anymore, that I didn’t care, and goodbye before hanging up on her. I knew right away I had screwed up. I closed out of everything and just sat there for a moment. Then I tried to find someone to help but when I tried to tell the lead on duty I froze. After going back to my desk and cleaning up a bit I logged out of everything and went home. This all happened 20 minutes before the end of my shift, 20 minutes that changed my world again.

I had a day off to wonder if I was going to get fired or if she was just going to blow up at someone else and not pass along that I had been the source of her anger. Well, I could see it in the call center manager’s eyes when I walked past him that I was in trouble. I used to get along with him and chat a lot about ideas but when we got into his office, you could really see him trying to hold back and not yell at me. He was really mad.

In short, I got to quit. It felt great to finally be away from all of the customers that wanted to vent on me. I had time now to go lose my mind and not be expected to be somewhere. I was my own boss again. A mental vomit with chunks of stress blown all out.

So where does this leave me now? Well, I work for myself now and I’m a lot happier even though I’m not making a whole lot of cash. The perks of not having to be at an office, stuck behind a desk with a headset mounted to my skull are pretty good. I’m still going through my mental issues with losing Angela but I can take time on my own whenever I want to deal with it. The best thing is that if the weather is horrible, there is no need for me to go anywhere and I can stay home without being punished by some stupid HR rule.

Fortunately for me I don’t have many things that I have to have a lot of cash available for to keep going on. I own my own home, my car(s), and I’m single so I don’t have to support anyone else. By not working in Sioux Falls I don’t have a huge fuel bill or have to worry about breaking down as much or getting into an accident with the people during lunch and supper rush.

Pretty much I’m dealing with it. I don’t generate as many ideas as I used to and I kind of miss most of the people that I knew on the call floor, but it’s better this way. I am taking this one day at a time and what counts is that I’m happy, even if it means wading through the pain to get there.

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