I had the chance to run from my world and set up life somewhere else but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. There is no running away from the pain, no fixing of the problem, no way to completely escape and still be alive. I can’t change me and so here I sit, late at night, trying to avoid being something I can never get away from.
I’m scared to go to sleep at night. The days go on and I refuse to nap no matter how tired I become and when I finally burn out and reluctantly get into bed, I’m too tired to argue with my fears. At first it was just the sleep apnea that bothered my sleep habits but then after losing someone so special to me, I can’t bring myself to retire as normal. I want to experience the most I can from a day, even if it means I get nothing at all completed.
Right now I sit in my recliner, watching the kitty sleep on the sofa, and try to come up with something to do that my now tired brain can handle. Some days, like this one, are wasted on online games and that is disappointing to me but after taking a look at the whole picture you see I don’t watch TV all day, or sit and drink, or chat it up online with random people so a little gaming is warranted to keep the brain going.
I have so many projects that I am working on for myself and for others. It doesn’t help that I have to get some problems figured out before the air starts to turn to frost and the ground becomes white with solid moisture. Heat. Water. Insulation. Some things I can escape from if I just work through my days a bit harder.
Losing mass is a little side project which has been successful so far. I eat. I walk. There isn’t any over indulging or over working and my stress level is below low. My interaction with the counselor was helpful in that it gave me some insight into what I can do and that my perceptions are not as skewed as I believed them to be.
Some things are indescribable and I know it will sound strange to you to read that I still connect with the one that has gone. I listen to the songs that are played and hear the messages that are just for me. When I stop thinking about it, I can talk freely and see the world in a different perspective. It’s nice to talk at least. If only I could meet on a more visual level. In a pleasant dream. On a conscious plane just below the waking state.
Still, there are many things that I need to let go of. Material things that don’t matter anymore. Spaces I need to clear out and set aside for future events in my life. There is a need yet to grow and learn and unfortunately to experience pain again. At least after this last valley in my emotional drive I can realize that it’s going to hurt for a while and that I don’t need to flee, run away, or pull out.