The Daily Crux

Now for an update of my sanity.

I left WOW! (Knology) on July 3rd after losing my cool with a customer. It was bound to happen as I was falling less and less enamored with doing over-the-phone technical support and I was becoming more and more distraught over the loss of Angela. Yep, I was able to leave without getting fired which has some perks to it. It could of ended much worse but it’s over now and I have to try and move on.

I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last four weeks and I don’t know exactly what he’s doing to help me other than maybe some little nudges into looking at things differently. For the most part I’m a twisted mess of emotions and logical thoughts. Plus I’m not doing so good with taking my medication on a regular basis because right now I have no regular schedule.  I know this is natural for me to be sad over losing a loved one but even though I’ve lost family and friends before, this is different in so many ways. Angela and I spent a lot of time together and we depended on each other for so many things. It’s difficult to move on with that void to try and fill or to deal with the memories no matter how happy they are. And if you want to console me and tell me it will get better then just remember one thing: I didn’t find out she died like everyone else, I  found her dead. That’s a knot you cannot untie. Basically I’m drifting until the wind dies down and I can think clearly but that will never happen so I have to stick my neck out and actually do something before I crash and burn.

Firstly, no more call center work. None. Zip. Nada. I hate to be in that cookie cutter industry where you have to take so many calls in an hour and be all so happy slappy with people that are a mixed bag of nuts. If I have to do something over and over again I’d rather be putting something together or designing something. But where to go from here? Everybody I’ve run into and had any interaction with has noted that I’m intelligent and have some really great technical and design skills but what out there is the best fit for me? I search through the local job listings and nothing sounds like it would be useful.

Second, I have to find something that won’t be impacted so much by my stupid medical issues. Ironically, because I’m so computer oriented, I cannot stare at a computer screen all day. My astigmatism is to the point where I need a polarized filter on the screen to get the words to appear clear enough to read but pictures are just fine. My tumor is being treated and normally there are no issues but every once and a while, I get bright squiggles that drift through my line of sight and other times I get something like an Ocular Headache where my vision will gain a crystal-like halo in the middle of my vision that slowly gets bigger and bigger. Kind of pretty really but things I am looking at will disappear while this is happening and it’s really scary when it happens while I’m driving. The only other thing is a condition where I will get dizzy after eating. It doesn’t happen all of the time, just randomly for an hour and then it goes away. The doctor doesn’t know what to do with that one.

No matter what, I need an income to take care of my general living expenses and random vehicle breakdowns. Right now I have some time to work it out but if I don’t do something soon, I’ll be back on food stamps and bumming a wireless connection from unsuspecting neighbors.

Solution One:
I stop looking for a job and devote all of my time to building my Technology Services business. Primarily it’s a computer repair business but I have done so many other things for local residents and businesses that “Technology Services” just fits better. Some of the other things include photo editing, basic website setup, data backups, and networking. I already have the business but I need to setup an actual storefront, preferably in Salem so I’ll have increased traffic and yet close enough to home so I don’t have to drive 30 miles in the snow and ice.

Solution Two:
Get a job. Find something that I might enjoy and tough it out until I retire or die, whichever comes first. I’d try to put a happier spin on it but I can’t figure out how right now.

Solution Three:
Go on disability. Yeah, this one is harder than trying to succeed at my own business. I don’t want to do this one. I’d rather work for someone and try to be happy than to be on a fixed income for the next 67 years. Hopefully it doesn’t ever come to this but I have to put it out there because it’s just one of those options.

Hopefully soon I will have an income solution but while I work on that, I’ll keep working on a mental solution.

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