The Infinite Blue

The stress of losing Angela, recovering from being sick, and dealing with what I have to at work has hit the very peak of what I can deal with on my own and now I must seek professional consultation to figure out how to gain some kind of normalcy. It doesn’t help that I’ve also broke my glasses and I’m poking the bear by driving at night in an attempt to get home from work.

What does this all mean you might ask. Well it means that when I sit at work, in between calls, trying to gain some clarity of thought before I talk to the next hapless soul there is a fight going on in my mind. Randomly I will be trying not to think of the memories of Angela and the times we had together, or the day that I found her on the couch lifeless, or the sheer frustration of having to be at a place where people call up to bitch about their issues, or the sheer anger I have that I’m stuck in this mess.

The delicate balance of crap I have to trod through just to exist in numbing on its own without the daily grind. Sometimes my only release is to just sit on the porch and stare out into the neighborhood and let time drift by between naps. Yes, I’m bitching and yes there are people with worse medical and personal issues than I have but it’s just that all of these issues are hitting me at once, constantly, over and over, and I don’t know if I just have rotten luck or if I’m always setting myself up for failure or sabotaging my life somehow.

Next week I’ll dump a bunch of this on a therapist and see what he has to say. I know the objective observation will help but just not sure how at this point. It’s free through work so I can’t really say anything bad about it. The only thing that I know he will want to know is what I want out of the sessions and I’m afraid I’m not really sure. The goal isn’t so much to get back what I lost because that is gone forever but rather to find a spot in my life where I don’t have to feel like my world is trapping me in a corner.

I need some time to put the pieces back into place or a different view of the issue so that I can fix what can be fixed. The rest will just have to be there until the time when I can heal on my own. If not, I’m sure one day I’ll snap and do something really stupid which will cause me to lose everything. If that happens, then my world will be mentally blue and the person you know now will drift off into a drug induced coma of the mind. Perhaps we can avoid becoming part of the infinite blue.

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