The overall status right now is that I’m very frustrated with my situation. It doesn’t help that I work in a call center where I have to be happy and helpful to people when inside I feel like tearing out the walls. I suppose it’s one of those internal checks that makes me a better person in that I don’t act on what I feel. I feel the empty space where I used to include Angela in my life and there is nothing for me to put there and so, from time to time, lightning flashes and burns a scar into my memories and I fall apart inside.
Many times I’ve wanted to stand up and grab the nearest object and smash it into something else. I want to tear the keyboard in half and kick the crap out of the guy sitting next to me just so I can release this inner tension. And yet I can’t bring myself to actually doing it. I want to take a knife and carve all of the eyes out of the posters and displays so they only see the empty and again I cannot actually do it.
Is it restraint or is it the fear that by going completely insane that I’ll lose even more and drift over that edge I see so closely now. I want to be away from people and yet I have to be near them. I want to scream so people will acknowledge my pain but I know they will never truly grasp the sheer magnitude of the war that rages on inside me. My darkness envelopes me like a sad wet towel but yet I look for something real to grab onto as I hang over the void of my inner being.
Of course this sounds like a desperate sign of someone that has lost all hope but on the contrary. I know I will survive this and I will build up my glossy beacon of positive thinking just as I have done before. I will plod on through this frustrating book of life and after many, many years I will right a final chapter. But not now.
Despite my pain and the unmentionable angst I deal with every day over this loss, I refuse to let go. Call it being stubborn or call it determination but in any label I want to see where the story will lead next. I’m pretty sure there is more pain to come and I will sink once again into the darkness but I know how to handle it, and that will scare people.
I love Angela so much that I cannot describe it. I know where she is now and someday I hope to speak with her again, I’m just not at that point on the path yet. Right now I’m working through the chaos of my life and eventually, someday, I won’t feel like destroying things in order to block out another emotion.
There are so many things locked away in this elephant mind.