Yesterday I got into a small quarrel with my friend on what to do for the day. I was supposed to be out working on some computer systems for my company but one person cancelled and the required part had not come in for the other person. Instead I woke up with a monster headache and I spent most of my time in a partial comatose state on the couch. Despite my condition I did not want to do the suggested things my friend wanted and she did not want to do what I wanted. So I left the apartment to get out of a downward spiral.
I first hit the mall and grabbed a nice big chocolate infused DQ Blizzard, a craving I had to satisfy despite the headache. Even after three Aleve earlier that day I was still throbbing in my skull but it was bearable. I had to be out and I had to be mobile wether there was something to actually see or do was completely irrevellant. I made my general observances of the people milling around and moved in and out of shops to look at the wares.
There was a sizeable crowd in the mall and it appeared to be a mashup of older couples, younger families, and teenagers. No one in my age-group appeared to be in this haven of chaos, it’s just not their place anymore to be until they get older and have to shop for their kids. Few, if any, single people in my age-group would be crazy enough to be here without a specific shopping purpose … except myself.
After finding one little item I wanted, a T10 driver, I went out to get a few food items to satisfy my future cravings. While pushing my cart around I was thinking about my latest changes in life and how it played into my happiness and awareness.
You see I completely quit taking my Paxil (paroxetene) medication partially for financial reasons and the rest for experimentation and now I feel a lot better. I’ve noticed some significant differences between drugged Marc and undrugged Marc now that I have the tumor under better control and I’m no longer flooded with prolactin.
I was basically a zombie with no emotional inflection. I could not laugh, cry, or get angry about anything. My ability to make my own decisions was dumbed-down and I went along with others more than taking off on my own. Most significantly I could not put together my ideas anymore and new thoughts were hard to work on. Some of the frustration from not being able to think added to the stress I was experiencing and inturn my dosage was increased to compensate what could not be controlled.
I can now express emotion with my situations and I feel happier overall. My ideas flow in and out much better and I’ve been working on them whenever I get a moment. My choices are once again for me and I no longer bend so easily. The stress is nearly absent and the oppression of fears have dissapated.
Still, I have problems remembering some things and I’m still dealing with issues related to the tumor. I still see a random floating white light and any pain or pressure is always on the right front side of my head. On the other hand I’m more adept at working through issues to find solutions and I’m not as tired as I used to be. Plus, it helps that the nightmares have gone away.
Now I sit in my one space again trying to go through paperwork and get ready for the new week. Bills to pay, letters to write, minds to melt, and all within the realm I exist in. I could gripe about things but I don’t see the point. Besides, no one is reading this anyway.