Right now my home away from home is a complete mess and I feel as if I’m naked in a crowd. I don’t know if I should just push the papers aside or sit down and actually try to organize but whichever choice I make it has to be something because the papers are looking at me, staring if you will, wondering why I just sit there at the computer or on the bed not taking them up and caring for them.
I am doing things in here that may not classify themselves as “work” perse but are productive nonetheless. In front of me I have a new phone, an HTC Ozone, that I have been configuring for myself and getting it ready for when I embark on my work schedule this next week. On the right the whine and grind of an older Gateway laptop sings and moans while I attempt to install Windows XP Home on it from two badly made Gateway Restoration Disc copies I had created earlier in life. And to my left I look down on the paperwork and it looks back at me and I think again that maybe I should do something there.
The creativity is slowly washing out of my skull again and it’s a financial issue that has caused this too happen. As much as I hate it, the medication that keeps my anxiety in check also curbs my free flowing mental processes and when I want to draw or express myself there isn’t anything there in my mind when I’m all medicated but when I run out of money to refill the prescriptions and the pills dissapear from my bottles, I come out of the darkness to play.
So if it’s a good thing for me to be creative it’s a bad thing for me to going into panic attacks and where do I draw the line? Well, I have to function in society to earn money and since I’m not an escentric artist I have to take the medication or suffer the consequences but until I can actually afford it then I might be a little loopy.
Oh well. I guess I just need to accept it and do the papers some justice by setting them in the right order. I need food first. First ceral and then paperwork … let’s hope I can remain committed lest be committed.