The Machine Eats My Will


I see that I have not written any entries in a while and being that I have a little time off, I thought I would take a moment to share some babbling. I’ll type it up as I go because there is no script, no notes, and no one to dictate to me the array of thoughts that I conjure to create this mastery of virtual documentation. In all, it’s work without payment except for the silent nods I get from people that think I write not only well and creatively well but from those that think they could do much better.

The beauty of life has been painted with summer blooms of flowers and trees and the birds that sing their tunes in the winds. Even the dark skies that rip with lightning and roar with thunder and rain bring solace to my inner life as they churn day to day with cool and heat. The greens and blues complement the yellows and reds to bring cool to the passion and calm to the fire, a pause in the waves of lust, and shiver before the climax. I want to capture this in more than words and thought, I want this put into the heart of another that can carry it with me through the months of their creation and into the darkness of cold ice and snow so that it may light the way and carry us both forward.

It is not the pain of loneliness that I feel but the pains of physical change as I go through my treatments of known problems and the worry that I sense for the upcoming problems to be discovered. It’s complicated and has been brought up before in an effort to document my situation, not to cause other to feel pity. This is my life and I accept it. I cannot change who I am or what I have done but I will try to make the problems I face less depressing and more of an experience that I can use to overcome other problems that may arise. I look to others for their experiences as well in a way to heal and to share an odd thought with but as I do so, my life will continue as should everyone’s life.

I will confuse people with open thoughts of things that cannot be explained. The reactions of those that cannot understand the simple quirks of my personality are best. Simple things like questions without answers drive some crazy. Complex things like finding answers to the meanings of life, religion, or politics drive others quite mad. I will be here to help you experience all of these things.

The big questions in my life is and always will be, "what do I want?"

The biggest priority is to end the complex mix of medical problems and their treatment side-effects. I’ve pretty much had it with all of the anxiety, frustration, confusion, tiredness, and straight out pain that I’ve had to deal with. Right now I’ve got a couple things going to help in that matter which include taking time off from work and secondly I’ve sent a letter to the State to see if they can come up with some long-term solution. In a related aspect I’m looking into getting an appointment with a shrink to delve further into my mind and see if there is something hidden that I need to surface so that I can resolve these issues. Nothing is happening quickly but at least it’s happening.

Secondary but nonetheless important, I need to have find a female for some physical interaction on a level that requires no commitment. One of my treatments has been hormone therapy and from that I can tell you one thing and that is the whole idea that men constantly think about sex is because they are shallow isn’t completely correct. Testosterone turns on some automatic processes that make you not only want but think about sex on an elevated level so it’s a combination of the hormones, which men can’t do anything about, and because they might have an ego. After not having testosterone high enough for so long I really don’t have the ego but I now want the sex, which sounds very blunt but I’m not going to dance around the issue.

Yes, I’ve looked at dating sites and most women want a relationship, to fall in love, to get married and be happy forever. Well, I’m not ready for any of that. I’ve looked at the places for one night adventures and I’m just too leery of what those people really want. And if you think that my thinking is wrong because of some pre-programmed religious idealism or higher moral standard, then don’t say anything to me because I don’t want to hear it.

So, another set of brain cells have emptied out their contents and I’m left to search for more to type. If I’m not at home cleaning I’m probably on Facebook playing Bejeweled.

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