Lack of Confidence


I’m in one of those spots again where my back is against the wall while I stand on the edge of a cliff overlooking an abyss. Do I hold on and find a way to a better path or do I let go and fall into my fear? Well, after a number of issues with my personal life, work, money, friends, and neighbors I’ve decided to give up on trying to fight myself on going the difficult path and soon I might close my eyes and let the wind rush past my face as I fall into a different life.
 
I gave myself my very first intramuscular injection on Monday and it was a little freaky. I would have never thought that the needle was so sharp that it would pierce my skin just by dropping it on my leg and then when I finished, some of the stuff came back out of the hole with some blood and that threw me. I’m okay. I just need to prepare better for next week’s shot.
 
My current position at work has taught me a lot about my learning and performing facets of my personality. I’m most comfortable with logical, straight-forward information and instructions. You tell me exactly what needs to be done and I’ll do that. I can handle change as long as it allows me to continue from that point in a linear and logical manner but having to deal with multiple and complex changes with lots of gray decisions will leave me lost and confused. This current postion had unexpectedly put me on the path of confusion and I’ve thrown in the towel in trying to learn to deal with it in that I’m going to see if there is something else I can do that fits me better otherwise I might be going back to phone collections again. Not my number one idea of moving forward but it’s better than the unemployment line.
 
The prospect of getting a degree in something I would enjoy has been played with off and on but I couldn’t figure out how I could afford it when I can barely afford to be alive as it is with the bills and loan payments until I had a moment of clarity. If I can get then money through loans/grants with the Fed, I can take classes 1/2 time and that will put my current student loan on hold. If need be, I can then afford to go part-time with work to take in classes at a faster rate. Right now I’m looking at a AAS Degree at Southeast Technical in Sioux Falls but I need to do a bit more research on it before I commit to it. If it were to work, Citi has tuition reimbursement so I really wouldn’t be out anything and I could possibly get into something better, provided there is an employer out there.
 
So, I managed to get some work done on my yard and part of that was cutting away some brush around a tree that needs to be cut down but in the process I evidently got some bugs on me and they decided I would make a good snack. I don’t know if it’s a chigger or what but I have these red welts around my left side and my muscles on both my chest and back feel as if someone is sitting on me. The bites don’t itch and Advil takes care of the pain but it’s rather annoying to say the least. Maybe I’ll spray that area of the yard with insect control spray before I work in it again.
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