Smashing Testicles with Dead Blow Hammers

I get myself so stressed out by things that I am experiencing that I have to let them out in some manner to clear my head. This is something I have brought up more than once and the process I go by doing this is a lot like jumping off a cliff. I say this as such because although I know I need to do this, I really want to do nothing at all and so I fall back into the cycle of knowing I should do it but I don’t really want to commit. Then there is that landing issue once I’ve finally made the leap. I want the experience to last and last but at some point it comes to a stop and I have to go back to the rest of life.

Part of the stress is coming from a strained relationship with a family member and another from a close friend of mine. This with some financial and health issues I am dealing with behind the scenes, my level of composure has not been the best as I would like it to be. Granted, I can handle quite a bit of stress because I can manage it better than some but the whole of it is just not something I wish to be dealing with right now.

So I have been soaking up as much work time as possible just to keep my mind off of it all. The less I have to actually think about the problems in my personal life, the better I can manage the inevitable crisis. It’s one of those things where I have been thinking about faking my birth and seeing if anyone would really notice, although a brand new 43 year old baby boy might bring about some unwanted attention.

Some of this is clearly my fault and some of it isn’t but for the stuff that isn’t, I really have no recourse to fix any of it. My nature and system of handling life and the stress that comes with it does not function in a way that allows me to fix the stuff that is out of my control. Moreover, I’m at a loss on what to do with the stuff that may have been part of my poor decision making because as it stands at this juncture, I have very few people that I am able to bounce the predicaments off of and get helpful results. Because of this, I have started to regress from the society that I have been interacting with online and going back to more of a solitary existence with minimal social interaction.

Part of this change has come out of my reluctance to explain myself anymore. I have had the gut reaction to explain my thoughts and actions because people tend to have no clue what I am talking about. There are people that do not understand my thought processes and therefore need a little more information in order to put the pieces of the puzzle together but in my process, I have already given all of the pieces but now they want me to give them the answer as well because they are unable to put them together in their mind as well as I can. I say, let them struggle with it unless it is going to negatively affect me.

The one thing that lingers with me is that I am still recovering from the loss of my best friend of all time. I spent close to 18 years straight with Angela and there is a lot that was invested in that relationship and because of that, I have many issues that are unresolved. Some of those issues are hidden from me and others are glaring but all of them are a part of me now and it has shaped how I deal with the world.

Outside of my world are those that are perpetuating the ideals that the only way to make the world better is by running it with an iron fist of money and power. The people that have control of the government in at least the superpower countries have clearly made it known that the only way to really keep people safe is to keep them scared. The constant fear mongering about crime, war, and political unrest has just got to stop because it doesn’t help society in the least. Creating mistrust in order to control people only sets us all back and keeps the world from developing and innovating. The news is always so depressing that I’m slowly working through the effort of shutting it all off.

My need to be an information junkie is too hard to deal with when the news is full of the needless garbage that the supposed “leaders” have spewed upon the masses. In the last 500+ years, the same shtick has been used to control people by using fear and misinformation and this latest administration is no different. For or against I can no longer handle all of the fighting because no one has any good solutions and the people that could really do something positive have none of the power that it takes to really fix the system. I’m weaning myself away from it so that when the bright flash of a nuclear weapon appears on the horizon, I can be just a little less stressed about what I was experiencing just beforehand.

At least we have some choices to live our lives a little more openly than in other countries but I say that with the knowledge that the United States was built through the exploitation of many other cultures and religions and despite our grand presence on the planet, we continue to do so to this day. You have the opportunities available to you depending on which side of the boot you are on.

In some ways I guess at this point I have been beaten and I submit. I still won’t conform but I will keep my head down and shut up. Maybe some day I will come back to the world that everyone else lives in and see what it has to offer but for now I’m just going to follow this path and see where it leads me. There is nothing more and I fall blissfully off the cliff into the unknown.

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A Fair Trade

I rail online about the injustices of capitalism and colonialism but I know my voice is meek among the millions that cry out on social media. I know my message is the same as others but the methods by which I present it are narrowly focused into a dead end of communication and so therefore I am only preaching to the wind. This is not to say that nobody is listening but rather that the people that could effect change from my words will never see or hear them in a forum that they participate in.

In this political year I am in the super minority as I have no political representation for the ideals I believe in. I live in a Republican held county, in a Republican held State, with Republican representatives, and a Republican President. There is no way anything I say is going to make anyone consider my ideas about how they can make society run better.

So I whine about my positions to the few friends that will listen and leave the rest of the mess to those that I feel that are not in it for the good of the people but rather the good of their pocket books. I whine despite the fact that the policies and laws that are enacted currently do not negatively affect me in any discernible way. It is the concept by which the actions of the government as a whole which disturbs me so much and how the rules they manipulate impact my future, my friend’s future, and the families that I am part of. Plus the continued ignorance towards the poor and mentally challenged makes me weep inside.

I have thought about writing a letter to not just my local government officials but to all of the members of my State and the Federal government with a single message of how they could improve the country by imparting proven methods of improving the lives of the people they represent. Many times I have tried to articulate how I could provide the insight of one mind into a system that holds so much power over so much but I’m currently not in a position to risk the type of attention that would generate so I sit here behind my digital walls of minimalist impressionism.

At this time I’m not going to go into the various aspects of what I think could be done differently as I don’t want this blog to become a political death match. I just had to get a little bit off of my mind as it has been eating me up. The political polarization is just too much of a drain on my brain and I have much more important issues to deal with.

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Mindfalls

Over the last couple years I have learned a bunch of things about my personality, genetics, habits, and traits that have given me new insights on how I need to move forward with my life. Like many, I really just want to curl up in bed with an infinite supply of hot coco but I have to try and look at this realistically.

Most recently I have seen the light on my family relationships and friendship alignments change in such a way that I now see more clearly the problems that I was clinging onto for so long.  Most markedly was when I visited my father’s workplace and saw that he was hanging onto one of the televisions we used to have when I was a small kid. He told me that he couldn’t bear to let it go, a problem that I deal with daily, because of emotional ties to memories surrounding it.  It gave me some resolve to make more of an effort to get rid of things that I have hung onto but provide no actual purpose in my life.

But the whole process has to got in small steps. The more I try to do everything at once, the worse it is for me to push on. The pain of elimination is very real even with minor items but by taking it in smaller chunks, I’m able to make more progress.

For today, I managed to clear out a couple boxes of “things” and put them into either garbage or recycling and didn’t need to resort to drinking at all. Actually the stress of it just makes me want to hide more than anything. One thing that has helped is to have little distractions that are still productive in their own ways. Typing a letter to a friend, working on a blog posting, watching a video, and taking time to breathe are all used to keep me going with the main cleanup task. Just keeping myself a little distracted but still focused at the same time by using my natural way of sorting information.

I know it is going to take me a while to get down to where I want to be but at least now I can see the path towards that goal. Some of it isn’t really an issue with getting rid of items but rather having a space to store them in. The house that I have has limited space and even less shelving. My efforts to improve and remodel the house will lead me towards a tidier place as well. There are other goals in regards to how that construction will go as well. The plans are in place, I just need to stick to executing them.

For today though I’ve made it one step further and as long as I don’t bring in anything more, there is hope for this sliver of my strange existence.

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Rot and Caulk

The house has once again surprised me with the subtle manner in which it was constructed. The back of the house where the bathroom and kitchen are were not part of the original frame and was added sometime later. You can see this mostly when you get up into the attic and see where the roof of one section is over the other and a hole cut to allow access to the insulation. In this case however, it has to do with the continuing process of replacing the windows.

The back window had a storm window overlay on it that was broken from a bird trying to use it as a tunnel. I had taken another one of these storm windows off another part of the house and thought I would just use it’s glass as a replacement. Once I got the two of them together, I could see then that they were not the same. The one on the back of the house is ever so slightly smaller than the windows on the rest of the house and that made me glad that I had not ordered a replacement ahead of time using the other window dimensions.

Eventually the window in the kitchen will get replaced with something smaller to account for the addition of some new cabinetry but in the meantime I came up with a nice workaround. I removed the old storm window completely and replaced it with the one from the other part of the house. The difference was that the old one was within the window frame whereas this new one is on the outside.

Still, it wasn’t just that easy as the sill was completely rotted and that had to be replaced and things needed to be painted and sealed if only for the temporary time that the storm window was going to be in place. Fortunately I has the materials around to make the necessary repair and was able to get it all together despite the rainy weather we are having today. The only major problem was that I had to paint the window and the high humidity prevents the paint from drying as fast as I would have wanted it to.

In the end I got the sill replaced and sealed as well as the storm window and sealed that up as well. Just a couple more windows upstairs to attend to and then on to another project.

It’s good to be back working on the house because this last week or so has been a bit hard on my mentality. Part of that comes from the improper regulation of my medications that help me with my emotions and thinking ability. Also, some of it is just not handling social situations like I envisioned them to be and of course leading me into a conflict I did not want to be in.

Mostly I find that the people I know I don’t really “know” and they in turn don’t really “know” me. My parents don’t even really have a good understand me and I know for sure my mother doesn’t get me at all. Heck, I don’t really even “know” me but I keep learning and discover new and even more disturbing issues that I have to deal with. My latest discovery helps explain why I react, or rather don’t react the same to events that other people react to. Part of the little bit of BPD I have makes me mostly stoic throughout situations that people find greatly exciting or funny. I just don’t react to things and I can see why people get unnerved by that.

So it is better most of the time that I just not be around people as much. Granted, I can carry on a great conversation with people but my dark humor will take me around curves that people don’t want to follow and then we sit for a moment in awkwardness. It is the little issues like this that makes me see that working on projects by myself I can work out issues in my mind and not have to worry about people questioning my methods. It is less stressful and just better for me all around.

So basically I am taking life in small doses in order to get where I need to be. In this case less is more and much like the house, it brings interesting surprises.

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Cat Perms

I keep trying to write something up but I keep erasing it. I have a bunch of things to say but they are all disjointed in my mind. A scattering of thoughts with no real solid narrative.

For those that are annoyed by my constant promotion of Lakota or Native American issues regarding political issues or the pipelines, just note that it isn’t going to stop. My Lakota family is important to me and I have a unique perspective on the history that they have had to endure since the Manifest Destiny and I hate what has been done to them. The people that have taught me a history that wasn’t taught to me in school are usually not surprised that non-natives don’t get this. I will never feel the pain but I support them with their dreams.

Much like I support the beliefs and orientations of friends and people that do not follow the mainstream religious and political leaders. This idea that humans have to follow a certain belief or certain political ideal is strange and unjust to me. People come in many flavors and to try and say that only one style is acceptable is ludicrous. Another invention by people that have been given money and power to control those that they do not understand.

But the cycle cannot be broken because of the time and effort that has been put in place to keep people from stepping out of line. In a different time it would have been easier to remove the elitists from history but now there are too many negative consequences against ones freedoms for making such an, adjustment. It isn’t anything I could do anyway as it goes against my moral principles and I don’t have the drive to be a pain in their sides.

This country needs more education, science, and history lessons given to the population so that people have a greater understanding of their rights, the rights of others, and how to stand up for people instead of dragging them down. We need less push to incorporate religion into school and keep it in the churches or the homes. That separation is what keeps people from alienating each other. School teaches how you should interact with the world and religion teaches you how to interact with your gods. When you die, you are going to need what you learned in your religion more than what you learned in school.

My system of belief is mine and mine alone. It isn’t something that can be taught and it isn’t something that I am going to impose on others. It makes me aware of the other people in the world and their blend of beliefs, the energies of life, and the angles of how things all fit together. It works for me and I have no need for anything else.

There has been a disorganized effort to make repairs to my home and down the road I would like to incorporate some new technology in an effort to disconnect from at least one service. I want to construct my own power storage unit, much like a Tesla Power Wall, to bank electricity and use it in the home. The storage unit won’t be that difficult really as opposed to acquiring and installing the solar array I would need to charge it. And then again I don’t think I would completely disconnect from the power grid just because it makes a good backup but I think with the right components, it could be possible to completely be free of that dependence.

This morning I had one of the windows out and I was watching the whirligig hanging from the porch. For a few moments a hummingbird stopped to check it out. It was hovering around the red portion of the rainbow colors on it and then it flew off to another adventure. I’ve never seen a hummingbird outside of TV or YouTube and it was a different experience. The bird moved like you would expect but the sound of it in the air as its wings beat was not what I had expected. It had a low fluttering noise that changed as the bird went from flying to hovering and then to flying again. It was a an otherworldly experience for me.

What isn’t so profound is that I’ve been neglecting my goals of losing some more weight. I got back to eating a lot of sugar and some carbs once again while I was dealing with the pain before surgery and never really quit it. Even though I haven’t really gained any weight lately I haven’t lost any either. So, back to the protein, fruit, and veggie meal routine and get some more walking time in. Just another 50 pounds or so and I think I will be fine.

This is for me though and not because I’m trying to impress anyone. The life of a permanent bachelor with a small social circle gives me no reason to impress anyone other than myself. Besides, I’m socially awkward so there is no prospect of branching out to another relationship.

Right now I’m binge watching Twin Peaks Season Three in a prelude to the final episodes tonight. I might have to celebrate Labor Day with coffee and cherry pie just to take it all in and reflect upon the crazy summer it has been.

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The New Old Me

On June 28th I had spent the night at a friend’s home and then got up early to take a shower before being driven over to the hospital. Once there I checked in and a short time later I was directed into a small room to undress and put on the hospital garments.

My parents weren’t going to be there after getting into an argument with my mother. She thinks I’m a lazy, self-centered, lying, man and won’t talk to me anymore. I was trying to reach out to her and form some kind of communication with her because it has been strained but she just made it worse. I’m not seeing any viable way to repair it now and I let her know not to come down, it wasn’t worth it.

All my other family and friends were kept in the loop about what was going on mostly with some people knowing more than others just because some of my family members have medical backgrounds and they knew what they needed to know when chatting with me.

I looked out the window from my room in that early hour and saw my chance to rebel. I could press my gross nakedness up against the glass and let the public all gasp in horror, but it was so early no one would have seen it and I let the thought pass. Soon I was seated in my chair waiting for the staff to get me ready and wondering when I was going to start freaking out.

The nurses came in first to set the IV but as always I had to warn them that even with extra liquids, I’m difficult to get a surface vein that works. Usually people try a few different places until they find one that works but these people were on a schedule and if it caused me pain but it worked then that is the one they were going to use. So, with a little injection to numb the back of my hand, they were able to effortlessly get a good stab on a working vein. Soon I was connected to a bag of something and kept comfortable until it was time to head to surgery.

I’ve never had an experience such as this other than having my wisdom teeth removed and that setting was completely different. I don’t think I even took off my shoes when they pulled the teeth and the room where they did it reminded me of an old 70’s doctor’s office. Not this though, this was in the new surgical center and not a single strip of wood paneling was in sight. They had me get up and walk down the hall to the operating room and then my mind went somewhere else.

The room was really big with a bunch of equipment set around a central table with separate arms that swung out from the sides. The room was rather chilly but not as bright as one would expect. There were two arms mounted to the ceiling for devices that I cannot remember looking directly at because I was more fascinated with the ceiling in the middle. There was a different set of tiles where the equipment was mounted to the ceiling and I was trying to figure that out and now that I think back on it, I wonder if there wasn’t something in my IV that made me disconnect from reality a little.

Soon I was laid down and made as comfortable as possible on the narrow bed. They covered my legs with warmers and put a blanket on me, then rested my arms on the little side arms. And then, well, that is where things get a little off for a moment.

I have this memory that I cannot place because I have no sense of time for it. The event could be before they started or after they finished but I’m not really sure. There was a brief moment where they had a respirator mask on my face and it was not seated just right and I saw it being pulled away a bit from my face and then set back down in the right position and then I was out again.

The next time I woke up I was in some darkly lit room and I could not discern what my surroundings were except for there was possibly a nurse either beside me or near the foot of the bed. I think was really got me to wake up was the kid screaming constantly across the room. I was trying to say something myself but the words would not come out and that was a little worrisome but then I was out again.

Then I was back where I started and no idea how I got there. Sitting in the chair in the little room with my friend just coming in and me responding with some semblance of a joke. I would drift in and out of consciousness for awhile and get a couple shots of pain reliever until I could finally sit up. Almost immediately after that the staff came in and wanted me to go for a walk and that was not happening. Although I was able to eat and drink, I hadn’t had any real food for over a day and I was really weak to the point were movement was making me feel sick to my stomach. Eventually though I was able to stand and then a little while longer I walk walking down the hall.

What came out of this all was a gallbladder with many stones in it including one about the size of a golf ball. After the recovery pain, healing of the scars, being able to move around, and getting back to my regular life, I can say that it was definitely worth it. I can eat dairy and fats without having to be curled up in pain waiting for it to go away. I no longer have to fear that something I am going to eat is going to trigger the pain and leave me incapacitated for hours at a time. This has given me back my old life.

Still, there are some differences in that I still don’t trust food completely yet. I have had some cheese from different foods but I’m wary of having ice cream yet. I have been doing good with my low fat, low carb diet and I don’t think I’m going to give it up just yet. Right now my weight has leveled off because I haven’t been walking as much so maybe when I get more active and lose another 50 pounds I can have a small cup of ice cream. Maybe.

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Subtle

Lately I have been feeling a little reserved because of something new in my life. The pain I had been having for such a long time, off and on again, turned out to be my gallbladder being obstructed by a large gallstone and down further it contains several other smaller ones. Because of this discovery I will need to have my gallbladder removed through which I will need to be sedated and lose track of myself for a short period of time.

I can’t tell if I’m worried, lost in thought, or aloof about the whole idea but I do know that the chance of having that pain from the gallstone again definitely scares me more than the surgery. I just don’t know how to feel about it all combined with the busy weekend schedule I have been having and the Sentra being parked for awhile until I can get the engine looked at. Plus, I’m looking at another MRI to look at the tumor in my head to see where we are at with that treatment so there is another item to think about.

It helps to keep my mind off of the issues and what helps with that is by being at work to keep me more or less distracted from my life. Right now I have to pry myself away from my desk to go home because I would rather be there, working on an Excel project I have, than to come home and sit in the silence wondering how all of this will play out.

There are things to do here at the house that I surmise could provide me with some distraction but more and more I end up sitting on the bed thinking about everything that I need to address before that date. So much I have to clean up and organize, paperwork I have to prepare, maintenance, everything, and letters I need to write that will lead me back and around to the issue once again. Now I remember what it was like when they found the tumor in my head but that was scarier on some levels whereas this issue has similar risks despite it being a relatively common procedure.

In about a month this will happen so I have time to process it and get myself from this melancholy state and back into the strange world where I am accustomed to more dark and twisted views so once again I can laugh it all away. Yet for now I’m trying to search out my feelings and figure out what I should be doing right now.

There are friends and family helping out with the logistics for getting me to and from this future task and I’m not particularly worried about that. I’m not even worried about the procedure itself or the post surgery recovery. What has me in a funk is that period of time that my mind will be shut off and time passes in a blink. I’ve gone through the process once before and it was terribly confusing coming out of it.

The chemical they use to sedate you does something different than put you to sleep, it causes the brain to drop into a different consciousness level where it is not aware of any outside stimulus and although you are not awake, you are not asleep either but more or less mentally paralyzed. Granted, it’s for the better that one be unaware of people cutting into your body and removing defunct organs and I’m glad we have that technology to perform that switch but it still bugs me.

For me, I’m always actively talking to myself and working on ideas, visualizations, planning, creating, feeling, and sorting and the mere thought that all of that will be switched off is like being trapped in a box with no lights and no air. Mental Claustrophobia if you will.

I will be fine though. I will get through it. Especially if it means I can have some ice cream once again without the worry of excruciating pain. That will be nice.

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